Anyone for (telephone) tennis with minors?

Just received this email from the Club Secretary at my tennis club, and given his nervous-officious manner, it really made me chortle:

From: ******
Sent: 05 September 2008 11:58
To: ********
Subject: Latest Tennis members telephone list.

We have had numerous requests for an updated list, which I have attached.

Please note Juniors are not included.

Kind regards,

*****

Patriot Porn

Well, I recently cruised the 'Inside Passage' of Alaska, departing Seattle on a vast ocean liner stuffed with flag waving red state patriots, many of them citing the cruise as the perfect trip, relieving them from the fear of flying with terrorists, walking, and finding sensible food at night. Many many people were lovely, but some were so proud I thought there'd be a mutiny when the Captain announced we'd entered Canadian waters. (There was certainly some disaffection and hasty checking of itineraries). Some examples might be:

1. National pride expands US territory.
Some chick from Newport Beach (more Chino than O.C.), on reaching the summit of a mountain pass via narrated train journey, proclaiming to the group: "You gotta love this country hahhh? (Triumphantly.) Go-a-a-d bless the U...S... of... A...". We were in Canada.

2. State/Regional pride.
The persistently proud and competitive wearing of sweatshirts/ caps/ body art displaying one's state /city origin. It must be disorientating to holiday without your vehicle and its identifying state plate, so instead you get to advertise 'Delaware', 'Iowa', 'Nebraska' or 'North Dakota' on your person. Anyhows, state discipline quickly gave way to a wider national pride and desire to impress the folks back home, (or the taxi driver at Kansas City airport), so that within an hour of boarding ship, the name of most recently visited Alaskan port would be emblazoned abreast low-lying man breasts, and uni-boobs everywhere. This trend was most prevalent in the eat-yourself-into-a-wheelchair buffet court mind ;-P.

3. Mawkish pride.
Without doubt the most disturbing display was witnessed at the Bellagio water spectacular back in Las Vegas. The fountains splashed to the now unpleasantly arrogant 'God Bless the USA' (watch here). The assault on the senses was merciless; the red white and blue, the astonishingly embarrassing, and just plain weird lyrics, and the sweet stench of Alabama folks singing along and making sex noises. I assume the footage is used regularly by way of repetitive torture at Guantánamo.

Birthday homage to The Louche Perspective's post about Monikisms.

10 things my other half said, which might explain any expectorant on my screen/book/walls...

1. (Menacingly). "If you don't let me read your blog entries about me before you publish them, I'm going to start writing profanities all over it"

2. (Pensively). "I've always wanted a silver birch"

3. (Like a 5 yr old boy swinging his feet around the pedestal). "Can you pass me the wet loo roll?"

4. (Admonishingly). "If you get too hot and take your pyjamas off in the night... can you try and do it without waking me up this time?"

5. "A bush should be a uniform colour. Not with smatterings of purple here and there."

6. (Piquantly). "Can't you pull your stomach in when you shower? I'm trying to watch here ;-)"

7. (Assertively). "Full leather seats are either too kinky, or too sweaty". (When did it become *or*?)

8. (Barely jokingly). "Shall I call your granddad to see what he thinks about your behaviour?"

9. (In a somewhat parental tone). "Is your hair falling out?"

10. (Gravely). "The less you talk, the quicker I'll be"

Happy Birthday to The Louche Perspective