Anyone for (telephone) tennis with minors?

Just received this email from the Club Secretary at my tennis club, and given his nervous-officious manner, it really made me chortle:

From: ******
Sent: 05 September 2008 11:58
To: ********
Subject: Latest Tennis members telephone list.

We have had numerous requests for an updated list, which I have attached.

Please note Juniors are not included.

Kind regards,

*****

Patriot Porn

Well, I recently cruised the 'Inside Passage' of Alaska, departing Seattle on a vast ocean liner stuffed with flag waving red state patriots, many of them citing the cruise as the perfect trip, relieving them from the fear of flying with terrorists, walking, and finding sensible food at night. Many many people were lovely, but some were so proud I thought there'd be a mutiny when the Captain announced we'd entered Canadian waters. (There was certainly some disaffection and hasty checking of itineraries). Some examples might be:

1. National pride expands US territory.
Some chick from Newport Beach (more Chino than O.C.), on reaching the summit of a mountain pass via narrated train journey, proclaiming to the group: "You gotta love this country hahhh? (Triumphantly.) Go-a-a-d bless the U...S... of... A...". We were in Canada.

2. State/Regional pride.
The persistently proud and competitive wearing of sweatshirts/ caps/ body art displaying one's state /city origin. It must be disorientating to holiday without your vehicle and its identifying state plate, so instead you get to advertise 'Delaware', 'Iowa', 'Nebraska' or 'North Dakota' on your person. Anyhows, state discipline quickly gave way to a wider national pride and desire to impress the folks back home, (or the taxi driver at Kansas City airport), so that within an hour of boarding ship, the name of most recently visited Alaskan port would be emblazoned abreast low-lying man breasts, and uni-boobs everywhere. This trend was most prevalent in the eat-yourself-into-a-wheelchair buffet court mind ;-P.

3. Mawkish pride.
Without doubt the most disturbing display was witnessed at the Bellagio water spectacular back in Las Vegas. The fountains splashed to the now unpleasantly arrogant 'God Bless the USA' (watch here). The assault on the senses was merciless; the red white and blue, the astonishingly embarrassing, and just plain weird lyrics, and the sweet stench of Alabama folks singing along and making sex noises. I assume the footage is used regularly by way of repetitive torture at Guantánamo.

Birthday homage to The Louche Perspective's post about Monikisms.

10 things my other half said, which might explain any expectorant on my screen/book/walls...

1. (Menacingly). "If you don't let me read your blog entries about me before you publish them, I'm going to start writing profanities all over it"

2. (Pensively). "I've always wanted a silver birch"

3. (Like a 5 yr old boy swinging his feet around the pedestal). "Can you pass me the wet loo roll?"

4. (Admonishingly). "If you get too hot and take your pyjamas off in the night... can you try and do it without waking me up this time?"

5. "A bush should be a uniform colour. Not with smatterings of purple here and there."

6. (Piquantly). "Can't you pull your stomach in when you shower? I'm trying to watch here ;-)"

7. (Assertively). "Full leather seats are either too kinky, or too sweaty". (When did it become *or*?)

8. (Barely jokingly). "Shall I call your granddad to see what he thinks about your behaviour?"

9. (In a somewhat parental tone). "Is your hair falling out?"

10. (Gravely). "The less you talk, the quicker I'll be"

Happy Birthday to The Louche Perspective

I ain't ever writing this book...

Not written, no contract drawn up (nor will there be), and already they're *discounting* my work?!

Showtime vomits on our village

Hook Norton had 'Showtime'. You Just Can't impose badly rendered bad musical theatre on impressionable young people who don't get out of the area much. I would know; I was forced through 3 hours of 'Joseph & His Technicolour Dreamcoat' as an 8 year old, and as a DIRECT result, I:

1. Endured a crush on a biblical figure (the 12 yr old playing him was HOT)

2. Suffered significant waste of life & lost ageing thesp lusting opps at the NT

3. Tolerated tabloid serialisation-worthy interval advances from those that would seek to prey on the Sentimental.

The whole damned shebang (they say that at lot in musical theatre) represented an always guilty, always socially debilitating longing for The Musicals. Thankfully, the whole tawdry affair has now been put to bed in the ground, along with the stained librettos.

So... however you look at it, whichever way round, upside down, legs together, syncro, malco, pissed, stunned, stupefied... this is very wrong, and bound to mis-shape village life:

http://www.broadedged.f2s.com/newsletter/photos/showtime.jpg

It's approaching Springtime for Hitler wrong. So bad it must have been good, and I'm almost pruriently sorry I missed it. Almost. AND, they used a place of worship to SELL tickets; probably a blessing in disguise. Viewers ruined for other churches, and aaaall thaaat jaaaaaazzz (What's not to sing about?) I also suspect the show was slightly misrepresented, as I'm not sure there are too many fillies of a certain age doing a Cilla Black round here. It ain't exactly 'Anthing Goes' in the 'High' Cotswolds. And what on earth was for 'supper'? A lightly seasoned selection of matured camel toe? Please no, that's All I Ask of You. Oh bar humbug, can't you feel the love tonight? No.

This is not a wind up...as seen on Ebay

beautiful cream coloured marquee

only used once for a party

like new

polyester/rubber washable covers

plastic coated metal tubular poles in white to match

was erected on our lawn for a party and has unavoidable rain splashes around the base

but easily cleaned off

you will not be disappointed once erected as my wife was'nt

happy bidding (ps rrp £350)

Quote du jour

Jonny:
"I've just realised that the reason things seem small to me is because I have such big hands."

Which lead me to thinking... compulsory reductive 'hand jobs' for those with a predilection for little people?