Quote du jour

Jonny:
"I've just realised that the reason things seem small to me is because I have such big hands."

Which lead me to thinking... compulsory reductive 'hand jobs' for those with a predilection for little people?

Red Top Scandal for my school

I think my old school got off lightly with this story. 'Enterprise project'... of sorts. In my day it was capitalist 6th formers hiring a room for £100, and selling 300 tickets at £20 each to a caustic mix of 14-18 yr olds. The cash would invariably be used to buy enough blow & hooch to dance the night away and still excel in advanced mechanics comps 'n county javelin trials in the morning. Fitting, I always thought, since the cringe school motto was 'mens sana in corpore sano' and suggested role model Margaret Hilda Thatcher... Also, 'sozzled at 15' is lenient reportage.

ebay excuses!

I sometimes wonder if the population is not in decline, owing of the sheer amount of people who have (hush) 'deaths in the family' meaning that they can't dispatch their goods on time. One man wrote me a lengthy missive explaining how his Grandparents had been involved in a suicide pact attempt, and that medical staff were restricting access to the shed where he kept his goods.

Another time, I was sobbed to by a vendor in Idaho that his Aunt had gangrene in her feet and was having them removed, preventing my ear plugs from being parceled up. (Possibly he was abusing her lower dexterity?) The close proximity of ear toys and rotting flesh lead me to cancel the order, on the strict proviso that Jonny promise to stop dreaming about me, aloud.

Then there was the American dentist, who had performed a subsequently libelous root canal and had forgotten to order his stock of toothbrush heads for his 'shop'. (Like he forgot to clean his dental instruments?) I have since changed my ebay settings to buy from Europe only, where less people are suffering for my consumerism. Mind you, this just in today, apologising for the delay of some garden equip:

Hi

Sorry I was away for some time. I asked my wife to send them and she couldn't even do that.

I will send them today or tomorrow morning.

Please accept my DEEP apology.

I love the way people bitch off their wives and husbands to perfect strangers on email. I once sold a red dress for a friend and the man buying it commented that whilst he was happy to do business, his wife was no Lady in Red, and he wasn't at all sure why he was bothering to truss her up. Also, vizzavi my garden equipment, I am not so sure a 'DEEP apology' is quite called for. The item was a hose pipe. We might become the next ebay casualties.

Ear toys

Just been browsing some outrageous US Navy Seal NASA technology inspired ear-wear for all activities, wet or dry. Obviously people who are kept awake all night by snorers need porno ear wear to get them going. Note that these are for PROs only! Adds piquancy to the old c*ck in ear of an adversary insult... Does the soft poly-urethane tip make it any less offensive I wonder? Tits to that, I say.