No, this is not my happy face...

Getting older has its pros and cons down at David Lloyd Leisure Centre:
Pros:

• I can get into the jacuzzi with Z list footballers without them thinking I'm a wannabe WAG.
• Devastatingly angular 6th Form dandies with floppy hair and rosy cheeks are falling over their gangly limbs to talk to me for kicks/ dares. (DAFOL [1] )
  

Cons:

• When I go into the luxury hairdressers, the teens are thinking: "Aww bless, her husband must have bought her a treatment voucher because he's banging the nanny", or worse (nineteen yr old nanny).
• A 12km run will require some proper stretching, else sleep will be ruined by lactic acid aches.
  

So, to effect a really decent stretch, I've discovered across a device called 'The Power Plate' which is basically a stand-on/sit on vibrating machine. Even though I don't sit on it with my eyes closed and look heaven-ward (as in the pic), you can't avoid the *I'm using a vibrator in a family leisure centre* issue. See here for suggested exercises. I hasten to point out that I don't perform any of these particular self 'massages', but people do, they REALLY do. Anyway, the Big O is clearly in the eye of the beholder at my gym as rubber necking male passers by seem convinced that you're self-pleasuring, even though you scowl back, 'there's nothing to see here... do you want a picture, pervert?'... style.

Anyway, it's a very weird and not altogether comfortable sensation; it might soothe your muscles, but it also vibrates your innards, and seems to flirt with retinal detachment and the possibility of colonic irrigation (without the warm water and fluffy slippers, obv), right there and then. Mind you, I would definitely recommend it - you soon get use to it, and the benifits are certainly worth it. To quote the Marquise de Merteuil: 'You'll find the shame is like the pain, you only feel it once.'

[1] Dreaming About F*cking Old Ladies.